Happy without you
by mellie32
Summary: this fan fic picks up in New Moon, after Bella almost drowns. bella chooses to try things out with Jacob but then alice is back. what will happen then? this is very different from what happened, but it is good. r&r rated M for future chapter.


this is the third freaking time i have typed this (a/n), it's quite frusterating actually. But my computer is being freaking stupid. So this fanfic picks up in New Moon at the part were Bella and Jacob are in her truck in front of her house after she almost drowned. There are two parts that are directly from stephenie meyer's book and those are quoted because i don't own New Moon, or any of the other books in this series. well go on and read and review, the next chapter will depend on the response I get to this first chapter, also on my hw load. I'm so edxcited school starts next week and i'm going to be in 11th grade, and I got my fav english teacher for creative writing and I got theater 2. YAY!!! so go READ!!!

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"I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob now––I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. But to leave things the way they were…was that cruel, as mike had accused?

I remember wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice––warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

I'd have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to explain it right, so that he'd know I wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but he'd need to know the of it. I'd even have to admit that I was crazy––explain about the voices I heard. He'd need to know everything before he made a decision.

But, even as I recognized that necessity, I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn't even pause to think about it through.

I would have to commit to this––commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? could I?

Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more then a weak echo of what ii was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?

Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed to be in tune with thoughts now.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.

I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. 'Sorry. I know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bells. I swear I don't mind. I'm just glad your okay that I could sing- and that's something no one wants to hear.' he laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.

My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.

Wouldn't_ [he],_ indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible under the circumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of the love he didn't want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn't the same love at all.

Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair. If I turned my face to the side––if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder…I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight"(Meyer 374-376)

I knew it would be now or never, well not exactly but this was a golden opportunity; I wanted to claim a stake in my best friend and I could.

I pressed my lips lightly to his bare shoulder and as soon as I did, I was flooded with an amazing warmth that filled me from my head to my toes. This felt so right that it almost felt wrong, but not enough to stop what happened next.

At first Jake froze, so I skimmed my nose over his russet colored neck, until my lips were right by his chin. I placed another soft kiss there and brought my forehead to rest on his and said, "I love you Jake and can't imagine my life without you; so if you are willing to take little old broken Bella, I'm yours. But I understand if you want something better."

I closed my eyes to wait for his answer, but he didn't; instead I felt his warm soft lips crushing mine, and I definitely knew I had made the right choice. But somehow this still felt wrong I felt like I was cheating on both Jake and him, even though he didn't care anymore.

This thought brought back the vision of the night that he left, and I pulled from Jake.

When I opened my eyes, Jake was staring at me with so much love that it made me feel guilty. I loved him too, but no where as much as I did _him_, and that felt so wrong.  
But it was clear that _he_ no longer cared about me, but if _he_ may hold a little bit of the love he used to proclaim to me; then he would want me to be happy, right? For now I comforted my guilt with that thought.

Jake interrupted my guilt when he said, "You know I love you bells, but are you completely sure about this? Even if we stayed just friends, I would love you the same."

I couldn't help but smile at how well Jake knew me, better then I knew myself. It momentarily made me forget my guilt. But he wasn't going to talk me out of my decision; so I just kissed him.

This time it was more intense and I let my hands play in his hair. He broke away this time and there was the weirdest expression on his face, he kept whispering, "I imprinted, I imprinted." there was confusion mashed together with worry, excitement, and a lot of love, on his face.

He grabbed my face between his big warm hands and said again, "I imprinted!" he was obviously happy, and I would have been too if I had any idea what he was talking about. So I just gave a really weak and slightly sarcastic 'yay!'.

He laughed and said, "I have to go talk to Sam," then he saw something through the wind shield that caught his eye and his hands started shaking. I looked up to see what he was looking at and I couldn't believe my eyes.

"ALICE!" I squealed and ran out of my truck, but Jacob caught my hand.

I turned to look at him with pleading eyes and whispered "please". it was like he couldn't deny me anything because he let go but looked like he was dead set against it.

He reluctantly said, "I'll be back in a few, going to talk to Sam." he look furious, and I really wondered if he could make it down to La Push.

I leaned back into the cabin of the truck, grabbed his hand and whispered, "it's OK Jake , I'll be safe with Alice. Please try to calm down." he was shaking less and was visibly calmer; I stretched forward and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

My parting words were, "Be careful", he gave me a peck on the lips and said, "you too. Love you Bells.' I shut the door and waved goodbye and as soon as he was out of sight, I turned and ran to Alice.

"What are you doing alive?" were the first words out of her mouth and I had forgotten how beautiful her voice was that it shocked me, but when I recovered I said, "Well hi to you too." she gave me a hug but seemed kind of tense.

The thought was forgotten when Alice said, "Sorry, it's just that I had a vision of you jumping off that cliff and I never saw you come up. I thought for sure that you were dead, but please explain how you are alive and why I can't see your future?"

I was too happy to see her to actually answer her questions; so I just dragged her inside and led her to the couch.

"Well I have no clue about either of your questions so I'm no help. But please don't go; how've you been?" I was on the board of hysteria, so I started taking deep breaths.

But that didn't help at all, I started crying hysterically and Alice did her best to comfort me but like before she seemed tense. I controlled my sobs to a quite whimper and looked at Alice concerned.

Then it hit me her eyes were as black as coal. "Oh, I'm so sorry Alice, I bet I'm not helping with your thirst." was all I could manage shyly, I hadn't had to worry about things like that in a while, since they left.

We sat and talked for hours about what everyone had been up to since they left. Carlisle had been working at the hospital a lot, Esme had been remodeling a house, the other had been to school; keeping up with the charade. But through out the conversation there was one person which we both carefully avoided in our catching up.

I was about to start telling her about the dive off the cliff, when the phone rang.

I went to answer it and it was Jacob, "sup Jake?"

When he answered he sounded distant, "Bella, please inform that bloodsucker about the problem with Victoria and be careful. I'll be down tomorrow to talk to you about what happened today." it sounded like he whispered, 'to bad it's really horrible timing, with Harry's death and all' at the end.

"Well OK then Jake, see you tomorrow and tell Sue I'm really sorry about Harry." I hated so much that he referred to Alice as a 'bloodsucker', but he sounded so bummed out that I just ignored it this once.

I wonder what happened, he was so happy this afternoon; maybe he thought that things would change because of Alice's visit. Were they? I didn't even have the answer to that question, but I wish I did. Maybe Alice did, worth a shot.

When I walked back into the living room, Alice looked extremely frustrated.

"What's wrong?" I whispered but she didn't look up, so I just sat down next to her and waited patiently.

After an inmeasurable amount of time she turned to look at me but she still looked frustrated.

"What's wrong Alice?" I asked again, really worried now. The look on her beautiful face was something I'd never seen there before. It was pretty close to the look on her face when James had been after me, but still this look had it beat.

"Everything, everything is wrong Bella," she began, exasperated, like she was talking to a three year old that just didn't get it. "your future keeps appearing and disappearing, I'm nit sure but I think I saw Victoria coming back, and to top it all off I can't reach anyone; Carlisle and Esme are on a hunting trip and Edward won't answer my phone calls."

To hear the name of the person I once loved so much, cut me like a knife. But i refused to let it penitrate the walls I had built up against it. I was on the board of freaking out again so I hugged Alice and said, "I'm sorry," it was more of an act to comfort myself but it didn't help much.

Also I wasn't helping her much, we both needed a distraction so I asked, "Why do you think you can't see my future?"

She got up and started pacing and she closed her eyes and pressed her slim fingers against her temples. This reminded me so much of _him_, and I couldn't take it. I threw myself onto the couch and screamed into the pillow.

Then I remembered what Jake had told me and I looked up quickly and saw Alice sitting on the coffee table staring at me. "about Victoria, your right, she's back and so was Laurent, but Jake and his pack killed him. Victoria has been trying to get past them and to me but when they are close to catching her she runs off."

"who and what is Jake? Please don't let it be what I think it is," What was she thinking?

Should I tell her about Jake, and what about keeping his secret? what are the freaking rules on mythical creatures? Well whatever, Jake knows about the Cullen. Even now just thinking the name hurt me.

"Well Jake is my best friend," technically true, "and well, he's a werewolf." the last part came out as a whisper.

She grew visibly more and more mad, and for the first time in my life I was truly scared of her.

"Don't come to me with that shit Bella. One, he is more then a friend; I heard you guys this afternoon. Two, he's freaking dangerous, especially as a young wolf. Edward was right, you are a danger magnet."

I flinched as I heard his name; but that didn't stop what happened next.

"Well Alice, I don't think what does and doesn't exist between Jake and me, is any of your business; and he is no more dangerous than vampires." with that I ran upstairs to my room.

I didn't want Alice to leave, but it also would cause me physical pain if she stayed longer and then left again. At this point all I wanted was to be in Jake's warm arms, I knew he wouldn't leave me. I wonder what happened today?

A soft knock on my door interrupted my thought. "Can I come in?" Alice sounded calmer.

"sure" it was barely a whisper but I knew she'd heard because she came in and sat at the foot of my bed.

"I'm so sorry Bella. You are completely right, your life is your life; I have no right to come here and tell you what you can and can't do with it. But please try to understand that I'm just worried, he doesn't have a lot of control aver himself since he is young."

What she said last made me remember Emily's beautiful face and the scar she had; also how half her face was paralyzed.

"I'm sorry too Alice, I shouldn't have screamed at you like that; you were just telling me what you think. It was only fair that I heard you through, everyone deserves an opinion." I came from where I was standing, looking out the window, and gave her a hug.

My stomach grumbled loudly, "I guess near death experiences can make you hungry." We both laughed and went downstairs to the kitchen.

I put some leftover lasagna on a plate and stuck it in the microwave to heat up.

I turned to Alice, who was sitting at the table, and said, "So how long are you going to be here?"

The beeping of the microwave startled me, then I heard Charlie's cruiser pulling into the drive way.

I walked to the door to meet him  
"; he didn't see me until I hugged him around the waist. He embraced me fiercely.

'I'm so sorry about Harry, dad.'

'I'm really going to miss him,' Charlie mumbled.

'How's Sue doing?'

'She seemed dazed, like she hasn't grasped it yet. Sam's staying with her....' The volume of his voice faded in and out. 'Those poor kids. Leah's just a year older than you, and Seth is only fourteen....' He shook his head.

He kept his arms tight around me as he started toward the door again.

'Um, dad?' I figured I'd better warn him. 'You'll never guess who's here'"(Meyer 393-394)

Alice moved to the door way, "hey Charlie, sorry about the timing."

"Alice." there was plain shock on his face, then he regained composure and asked, "Are you here alone?"

we all knew why he asked the question and who exactly he was referring to

"Yes, I'm just here tying up some loose ends, doing some things for Carlisle."

"Can she stay here, dad?" I asked as we stepped into the house.

"Yeah, sure," his voice seemed tired.  
He would probably be hungry, so I went to the kitchen and took out my food from the microwave and set it on the table, went back into the hall and said, "Dinner's on the table dad."

"Thanks Bells, have you eaten?" I followed him back into the kitchen, "I was just about to," I answered as I looked in the fridge and took out some more lasagna.

I put it in the microwave and and went into the living room, where Alice was sitting on the couch. "You know I have a house of my own Bella," she said as I sat next to her.

"Yeah, but you would get lonely." I said hoping she couldn't see through my lie. I really just wanted to keep her in my sight to one: make sure I wasn't hallucinating because of the incident this afternoon; and two: I didn't want her getting away without saying bye.

"Bella that is absurd and you know it, it's just an..." I heard the microwave beep in the kitchen and jumped up from the couch.

When I went into the kitchen Charlie was done eating and was making his way over to the sink to wash his dishes.

"Leave them dad, I'll wash them when I'm done."

"Thanks bells, I think I'm just gonna go up and go to sleep. Have to get up early to help Sue with the memorial service."

"okay dad, goodnight"

"night bells, goodnight Alice." he called into the living room then trudged slowly up the stairs and went into his room.

I set my plate on the table and sat down to eat; I didn't realize how hungry I was, till I started eating. Alice came in and sat in the empty chair.

"we still have an impending conversation, or maybe a couple." she said as I ate. "Since you are eating, I'll start. This whole werewolf situation, that's not cool."

I wanted to laugh because obviously it wasn't COOL because Jake's temperature was so hot, I couldn't help the smirk that played on my lips.

"You think this is funny Bella? I am being, no pun intended, dead serious. Young werewolves are extremely dangerous; when they loose their temper...lets just say you don't want to be around. I'm glad it's easy for you to..., you know move on, but couldn't it be a human, like Mike Newton?"

what did she mean 'move on', did she really think I was all fine and dandy?  
I tried to maintain my temper as I replied, "I am not _OK _Alice, I am trying my best to pick up the pieces of my life; but it's been so hard. You can't even begin to imagine, Jake has helped me so much. He's been there for me when **nobody** else was, he knows me better then I know myself; he's helped me piece my life back together, which, may I remind you, you and your family broke."

I knew that was a low blow but it was the truth. " I love Jake and you can't come here after all these months and just expect me to listen to what you are telling me, and just abandon him."

I got up from the table and went to the sink to wash the dishes. She got up, grabbed a rag and started to help me dry the dished.

"Bella, please don't take this the wrong way. I don't want to come back and control your life; even if we hadn't left, I would have no right to control your life. The part about us breaking your life, well maybe that was too much, not any less true though. I can see your trying ton be strong, but I know you too well Bella to believe that. I'm sorry about the Mike comment, your personal life is none of my business. So what do you say, friends?" she dried her hand with the rag and extended it as a piece offering.

I couldn't say no to her sweet pixie face; I pulled her into a hug, "I'm sorry too Alice, I shouldn't have said what I did, after all it's not **your** fault."

I was obviously placing the blame on someone, hope she wouldn't get mad.

She just laughed stiffly and said, "Bella, Bella, Bella. I really need to go hunting."

I let go of her and looked at her eyes; it would have seemed impossible if I had not seen her, but her eyes were blacker, like a night with a new moon and no stars, pitch black leading into nothingness. Much like that night, the last night I saw _him_.

"when are you going to go hunting?"

"I think that as soon as you fall asleep, I'll go on a quick hunt just out back, like 20 minutes. Tomorrow, I'll go farther, maybe all the way to the Denali to check in."

"That would be a good idea because Jake is coming over tomorrow, I don't think that would be good for either of you, if you were here. Not that I'm kicking you out or anything, it's just that things worked out by themselves."

We made our way over to the couch and I went to the linens closet and got a pillow and blanket for show, since Alice was 'sleeping' on our couch.

I went and sat down next to her and we started talking about the months after they left, I must have fallen asleep because I awoke to the sound of forks scraping on plates.

They were talking in a low whisper, I could barely hear and wasn't exactly sure who they were talking about when I heard Charlie say, "Alice are you honestly going to tell me he didn't realize what it would do to her if he left? You could tell just by looking at her, how much she cared about him. I know there was not much he could do about it but if he really cared about her at all he would have found a way, instead of just breaking her heart. You know I love you honey, but did you stop to think what this visit would do to Bella?"

oh they were talking about me and _him,_ guess they didn't know I was awake.

I stayed where I was and listened for Alice's answer. "I'm worried about that too. And it's been hard on Edward too, he wasn't in control of what would happen, he even left to school in South America by himself. He's completely isolated himself from us." as I listened to this I could help thinking, LIE!

It was _**his**_ choice to leave, it was _**he**_ who broke my heart, it was _**him**_ that no longer wanted me. I knew it was wrong because I would only hurt myself in the end, but I listened even harder for any other mention of _him._

"Well thankfully Bella has been doing better thanks to her friend Jacob, I've her laugh and just plain out be herself again, when he's around. Jake's a year or so younger then her, but he's very mature for his age."

I was glad Charlie liked Jake so much, it would be easier for me to give him the news. Charlie paused, as if he was unsure if what he was going to say next, but then kept going, "They've gotten closer these past couple of months, and I'm not sure but there might be something between them; or it's headed in that direction."

"that's great," Alice said, "I'm happy for her."

I heard a chair noisily pushed back, which was most likely Charlie, and nothing else was said.

I decided it was time to 'wake up'; I yawned loudly, stretched and said, "Alice?" the scratchiness in my voice from yesterday helped make my act believable.

"in the kitchen Bella." I got up and stretched some more because I was extremely stiff from sleeping on the couch.

I walked into the kitchen and Alice's plate was half empty, I wonder were she was hiding it. Charlie was washing his plate and as I gave him a once over, he looked exhausted.

He was wearing a black suit which, by the looks of it, barely fit because the jacket was unbuttoned.

As he finished up he said a quick bye, I gave him another bear hug, and he left.

I went back to the kitchen, and somehow Alice's plate was full, "Where were you hiding the food Alice?" I said smiling. She laughed her wind chime laugh and held up napkins from her lap.

I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat. Alice went to the living room, and came back with her cellphone.

"Bella will you be OK here waiting for Jake?"

"yea Alice, he shouldn't be long."

"OK Bella, but please be careful, and please please please, don't make him mad."

"Alice you really have to give me _and_ Jake more credit," I said with a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'll be back around 7, OK. I'll check in later,"

I interrupted her "Yes **mom**, anything else?" my voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Enough with the sarcastic comments Bella!" there was real anger in her voice. "I'm being serious and your just taking this all as a joke; and you know what, maybe I won't come back, I'll just stay up in Denali. I can see now, that clearly you are happy with these wolves." she spit the word like venom, "If you have a death wish, then that's your problem, I tried to help but you obviously don't want _my_ help."

Before I could say anything, she was gone. I ran to the window, and the car was still there, so she would have to come back. Then again money wasn't an object to them, so maybe she would not.

As I stared out the window, to that car, reality set in and it hurt. The edge of the hole started to hurt and it moved it's way in, eating at my heart. I clenched my sides for dear life, and fell to the floor, pulling my knee's to my chest.

I don't exactly know how long I was on the floor crying, but I was startled back into reality by a knock on the door.

"Bella?" I heard Jake's voice call from the other side.

I gathered all my strength, and got up to answer the door. As soon as I opened it, I fell into Jake's arms.

The room was tilting at weird angles; and suddenly my feet weren't on the floor, but I was moving. I heard Jake's worried voice near my ear, saying, "Bella? Bella are you OK? Bella..."

I wanted to comfort him and tell him I was fine, but I couldn't find my voice. I tried to open my eyes, and as I did, I saw that we were in the living room, on the couch.

"Jake," my voice was barely a whisper. I lifted my head a little to look at him, and show him I was better. "Jake." I tried again.

He heard me that time, and answered, "God Bella, you scared me so bad." I could see it clear on his face. "do you feel better? You still look a little pale. Do you want water?"

"In a sec Jake. I think I'm better, I was probably just lightheaded from sitting and crying too long."

"why were you..." I really didn't feel like crying anymore, so I put one finger on his lips to stop him. "don't" was all I whispered.

He kissed my finger and said "OK" and pulled me closer to him, I was now sitting on his lap, and he kissed me.

This wasn't the best time to get sucked into this, but I didn't stop him, because it felt so good to be wanted again. And I was wanted, I could feel it in every kiss he gave me.

I wanted him too, but not in the same way. I did, for my own selfish reasons; to keep myself sane and mildly happy. We were both out of breath now, but neither of us pulled away for more than a second.

After a moment it was growing uncomfortable sitting on Jake's lap, I pulled away as I leaned back on the couch. Jake just stared at me, the rejection clear on his face, it made me feel horrible.

I reached out for his hand and pulled him to me, we were now both laying on the couch, each kiss got deeper and more passionate. I wanted to kick myself for leading Jake on like this, but it was too late, I already had; it didn't matter much, my Romeo was never coming back, why not be happy with Paris.

Jake kisses trailed down to my neck and as I caught my breath, I said, "I guess you were right, when you told Billy I was going to corrupt you."

He laughed grabbed my chin with one of his hands and said, "silly Bella, the only thing you have done is made one of the happiest people on earth." he leaned down and kissed me with so much love that it just made me feel guiltier.

The phone suddenly rang and scared us both; I froze at the thought that it might be Alice. Jake got up to grab the phone and I ran right after him.

He picked it up and was about to say hello, but I playfully swatted his arm and reached for the phone saying, "give me it Jake."

"say please Bells." he said with a smile, holding the phone just out of my reach. I thought I heard a growl, but it was probably just my stomach, I had never actually eaten my cereal.

As I stretched for the phone, Jake wrapped his other his other arm around the small of my back, and pulled me to him. He kissed my neck, then whispered, his voice husky, "what are you willing to do for the phone Bells?" another growl.

I stood on my tip toes and kissed him full on the lips, that distracted him enough that I was able to reach up and take the phone from him. I grabbed it and pulled back, but still in his arms.

"I win." I said, smugness coloring my voice.

"hello?" I said as I drew shapes on Jake's chest with my pinky, but I was too late the line went dead.

I wondered who it could have been, it startled me when I heard _his _voice in my head saying, "be happy love."

I took a step back and broke away from Jake's embrace.

The hallucination helped me hit home, I looked at the number on the phone and it was all to familiar. Now I understood where the growling was coming from, _he _had heard everything.

It had been Edward. His name broke the boundaries of my mind and broke me till I collapsed on the kitchen floor.

The last thing I felt was a large pain on the side of my head, and I heard Jake scream, "Bella!", then the darkness consumed me.

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finally i finished editting, phew! that was tiring.

well you read, now review. it nwill make me the happiest person on the planet!

much luv always  
elie


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